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Collaborative Practice Northwest Divorcing Differently, Where Families Matter |
Research shows that there is less trauma to children of divorce,
when the parents develop
a residential plan that allows the children the greatest access to both parents with the least amount of transitions.
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Successful Parenting Through the Divorce Transition |
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Free Parenting Information |
TELLING YOUR CHILDREN Excerpted from, How to tell your children about your divorce. Darlene Wey
1. Tell your children you are divorcing.
2. Tell them together, before one of you moves out.
3. Carefully plan ahead of time what you will say to them about the divorce.
4. Without blaming the other parent, be direct, honest, and open.
5. Allow an uninterrupted time to talk about the divorce and answer questions.
6. Reassure your children that they will still see both parents, if that is the case.
7. Help them understand that the divorce is not their fault.
8. Communicate that you still love them.
9. Reassure them that both of you can take care of yourselves, so that they are not unwittingly placed in a role that would force them to leave their childhood behind. (Such as treating them like, “the man of the house, or the little woman.”)
How you and your former partner handle the initial separation will affect how well your children adjust. Set aside, for a moment, intense feelings toward your spouse and focus on what your children need.
If you fail to do this, any destructive behavior that ended your marriage can continue to destroy your children. Although it may be difficult for you, your children need for you and the other parent to talk to them about the divorce.
Talking to your children in a neutral manner is a key ingredient in the healing process. Try to avoid the pitfall of using your child or children as confidantes. Not only does this cause emotional damage, it requires your child to leave behind his or her role as your child or teen, while they struggle to try and comprehend the needs of an adult parent. They may fear if they don’t fill this adult need, they may lose the parent altogether.
Children need to be able to stay children, even though their parents are going through tough times. It is important to reassure them that even though this is a painful process for both parents, “Your Mom and I can take care of ourselves, and we will still be able to take care of each of you as well.”
1. Tell your children you are divorcing.
2. Tell them together, before one of you moves out.
3. Carefully plan ahead of time what you will say to them about the divorce.
4. Without blaming the other parent, be direct, honest, and open.
5. Allow an uninterrupted time to talk about the divorce and answer questions.
6. Reassure your children that they will still see both parents, if that is the case.
7. Help them understand that the divorce is not their fault.
8. Communicate that you still love them.
9. Reassure them that both of you can take care of yourselves, so that they are not unwittingly placed in a role that would force them to leave their childhood behind. (Such as treating them like, “the man of the house, or the little woman.”)
How you and your former partner handle the initial separation will affect how well your children adjust. Set aside, for a moment, intense feelings toward your spouse and focus on what your children need.
If you fail to do this, any destructive behavior that ended your marriage can continue to destroy your children. Although it may be difficult for you, your children need for you and the other parent to talk to them about the divorce.
Talking to your children in a neutral manner is a key ingredient in the healing process. Try to avoid the pitfall of using your child or children as confidantes. Not only does this cause emotional damage, it requires your child to leave behind his or her role as your child or teen, while they struggle to try and comprehend the needs of an adult parent. They may fear if they don’t fill this adult need, they may lose the parent altogether.
Children need to be able to stay children, even though their parents are going through tough times. It is important to reassure them that even though this is a painful process for both parents, “Your Mom and I can take care of ourselves, and we will still be able to take care of each of you as well.”
Collaborative Practice N.W., 2006
